This Is 30

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... I went out with friends a few months ago wearing a pair of high heel shoes that I've worn several times without a problem, but this time I had to secretly slip them off under the table to give my feet a break. My feet and legs were killing me so much that I tried to stand in one spot all night to avoid walking around, and the next day I obsessed over my inflamed pinkie toes as I swore to JESUS that I'd never wear anything but a practical shoe ever again. I blamed it all on turning thirty.

... I was given a big bag of scrap fabric and as I sorted through each piece, I excitedly put aside what I knew would make cute tablecloths with matching oven mitts and pot holders. I looked forward to spending the following Saturday at my sewing machine and may or may not have hoped that my husband would have plans of his own so I could be free of distractions. In that moment there was no denying that times have changed and I was in fact, turning thirty.

... When I came to the realization that weekends without commitments are my favorite kind of weekends, I can no longer shop at Forever 21, and if it doesn't have SPF I'm not buying it, I knew I was turning thirty. When it dawned on me just how much I love waking up without a hangover so I can drink coffee and plan a productive day, I knew I was turning thirty. When I admitted out loud that I'd rather get a tan from working around the yard and not laying on the beach, and that I'd much rather day drink than go out at night... I knew I was turning thirty. When watching Jeopardy with a cup of tea and a blanket over my lap became an anticipated part of my weeknight routine, and when it became crucial that my friends and I compared work schedules in order to find time to hang out - I knew I was turning thirty.
 
But I kinda like me at thirty.

I no longer worry how I look to everyone else or if someone already saw me in that dress. I no longer spend my alone time anxiety ridden, wondering what I am missing or if anyone is missing me. I turned thirty with a long list of things I love about myself and things that I am passionate about; things that make me love to be alone like writing, reading, sewing, cooking, listening to music or simply getting lost in the peace and quiet of my home. I even love my body. I love that I know my strengths and weaknesses and that I'm never apologetic for how I feel or what I want, even if it's extra cheese or gravy on the side or crushed Doritos on my salad.


The thing I love most about myself at thirty is that I can list all those things before listing the person I share my life with and that's kind of a big deal. I've learned over the years to love myself first, which makes loving someone else and being loved that much better.

 

I've changed.

And I'm only thirty.

 

XO