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Let It Strengthen You

it was early morning and i woke to the sound of three loud thumps on the floor above me. i knew my parents needed me in a hurry, as that's how they'd get my attention when they couldn't go to the top of the stairs to call my name.  i heard this noise many, many times before but never panicked. sometimes i ignored it, thinking whatever they needed me for wasn't as important as my sleep - but this time, i jumped to my feet in an instant and i ran upstairs skipping three steps at a time. i felt in my gut there was something terribly wrong.

i reached the kitchen where my mother was pacing the floor and crying hysterically while on the phone with our family doctor. down the hall, i could hear panic in my fathers voice as he said my sisters name over and over. i ran into her bedroom, saw him kneeling beside her bed holding her, rocking her back and forth. she had taken a seizure.

i ran out of her room, through the kitchen, passed my mom, and at the very top of my lungs i screamed for my boyfriend who was still downstairs in my bed. the scream scratched my throat and left it raw. it radiated through my body and made me shiver. i scared myself. i never knew i was capable of such a noise.

when i think about it, i can still hear that cry ringing in my ears. i can still feel the weakness in my knees and the pounding of my heart as i ran across the kitchen. i can still feel my body crashing to the floor with no strength to stop it, and the horror and disbelief as a pain radiated through my chest. i felt my heart breaking.

she was going to die.

we were all there as she took her last breath, but in that moment we were left to live our lives without her and we didn't know how.

and we'll never know how.

but if we had the strength to get through that, we have the strength to get through anything.


  1. Oh Rachel, this is heart-wrenching. I can't imagine a moment of such horror and helplessness. I can't imagine the pain of losing a sister, much less moving on from that pain. But you're right-- if you could make it through that day and the weeks and months that followed, you are capable of a lot. It's just so sad that any of us should have to be tested like that.

  2. You're an extremely brave person to be willing to share such an intimate story of lose with the world. You're also a pillar of strength to be able to move forward after a death of a love one is hard. I still haven't and my nana died 10 years ago.

  3. My heart ached the whole time reading this.... I'm sorry you were put through this... It seems so unfair.. you are so strong to be coping the way you do with it though.

  4. I am so sorry. It breaks my heart reading this. You're right. You are all strong to be able to get through that. I wish you and your family the best.

  5. Thanks so much for stopping Deliciously Happy. I'm glad my comment made an impact, but you made even more of an impact. Revealing sadness and sharing the truth helps others connect with you. You certainly have inspired me to try to cope better with my loss.

  6. Touching. All I can offer in way of a comment is hugs. Lots and lots of hugs through the internet, to you.

  7. I can't even imagine going through that kind of loss. This post found me on the perfect day though as it's the 14th anniversary of my uncles death. In reading this I found strength..which honestly doesn't happen very often when you find yourself determined to have a bad day due to past memories being resurfaced. Thanks for sharing Rachel. Extra hugs to you and your family

  8. goood luck with everything, you're in my prayers :)

  9. I just found your blog through 20SB and this was the first post that I saw...I am so sorry and all I can say is that I will be praying for you and your family. It brought me to tears and I don't even know you. You are such a strong woman to share this publicly. HUGS

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  11. Sobbing. This was so beautiful and touching and wow. I'm so sorry, 2009 wasn't that long ago. I lost my dad in 2007 and there's days it still feels raw. Thank you so much for sharing!

  12. Wow, I was holding my breath reading this. It's hard losing a sibling and it's tough but you'll get through it.

    1. It sure is hard, and yes, I'm getting through it... Thanks :)

  13. I can't imagine what that was like. I'm so sorry.

  14. Sending you lots of love lady!

  15. Gosh, you write so well that was haunting for me. I admire your strength so much, it takes a lot to write about these intimate moments. I am so sorry for your loss Rachel.

  16. I read it twice and each time I had to fight back a tear. It's difficult to loose somebody, much more when the person is so close to your heart and you loose them forever. *hugs* stay strong. my prayers are with you.

  17. Oh dear I am extremely sad to hear your loss. I am so sorry for your loss Rach. I am sure your sis must have held a special place in your life. Losing your loved ones weakens you and offcourse you have to muster enough courage and strength to live life without them. Thats the last resort ...we cant do anythng else...Will remember her in my prayers Rach. God bless you and your family

  18. Love the picture at the top; so true. Thanks for writing this; must've taken some gusto to put it out there. Sorry for your loss; I know how much losing someone close to you can hurt. xx


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